W.I.N. Newsletter - Self Esteem and Self Respect
Published: Mon, 06/13/11
however, is there a definition of the two.
One of my goals is to share not only my thoughts with you through
the newsletter but thoughts and insights from others as well.
The following is an article written by newsletter reader Dan Fell
on this topic. This is a little longer than most of the newsletters
but it is worth investing a few minutes to read it.
A Personal Journey...
I received some great questions and feedback related to my first
two training bulletin articles on the broad topic of personal
safety. The major theme of those discussions and emails focused on
"taking an accurate stock of ourselves," what that means, and how
that affects personal safety. You may recall my softball
tournament story, in which I failed to determine my "real self
(actual capabilities)" versus my "performer self (what I thought I
could do)." In this installment I am going to flesh out what may
influence that type of mindset by examining self-esteem and
self-respect. Self-defense experts agree that either one can be
your strongest ally or most lethal adversary during a violent
critical incident.
We face a multitude of life events every day that can affect our
self-esteem and self-respect. For example, as a student of martial
arts, I have felt overwhelmed, lost, intimidated, and awed by an
incredibly steep learning curve during training. I see my
instructors flow seamlessly from one art or technique to another---
while I have a hard time performing, let alone retaining, what we
practiced last week or last month. Learning to keep those feelings
in check has been a long process. When your soft ego takes a hard
strike, the human reaction is to brush aside your self-respect and
recoil from the trauma to protect your self-esteem. In martial
arts, that means you quit training. John Moore in his article, "The
Martial Arts Mind," reports over 50 percent of new martial arts
students quit within the first two weeks and that only 1 of every
100 students attain the rank of first degree black belt.
I walked away from several dojos and training halls in my earlier
days. Never that soon, but I quit nonetheless. Each time I had "my
reasons," meaning my self-talk evolved into a mantra that let me
off the hook. After many years of maturation, integrity and
character superseded the "just give up" mechanism that I thought
protected my self-worth. More accurately, my self-respect reached a
point where it overruled the vulnerabilities of my self-esteem.
Expert scholars concur that self-esteem and self-respect are indeed
two different things. Self-esteem is based on what you think about
yourself while self-respect is based on what you do for yourself.
Studies have linked low self-esteem to a range of problems,
including feelings of worthlessness, anger, and neglecting your
health. On the other end of the scale, self-esteem left unchecked
can develop into other destructive behaviors: thinking less of
others, ungratefulness, arrogance.
I was told some 20 years ago by my sensei at the time that,
"healthy self-esteem leads to being 95 percent safer from dangerous
situations and people." I don't know where he got that number, but
he often repeated and truly believed the message. So what is the
"right amount" of self-esteem to avoid teetering on either edge of
the self-esteem spectrum? Gotta have some of it, but don't want too
much... I chose not to cite the convoluted clinical answer to that
question, but in applying a little horse sense the answer has
become stone-cold clear to me. Self-esteem is confidence, but not
cockiness. It's self-regard, not self-worship. It's having a
favorable opinion of one self, but not forcing it upon others. With
our work and our clientele, having properly balanced self-esteem is
a yardstick worthy of our aspiration.
In our line of work, we must also remain cognizant of self-respect,
defined as the result of an outlook that is grateful and humble and
is focused on the interest and caring of others. Is that too soft
for some of you who lean towards the supervision end of the
correction's equation? That's fine. Try this: Self-respect is
having pride, humility, and dignity as well as a respect for
oneself and concern for one's reputation. On the test group (which
is my wife and my very studious 8 year old daughter), that one
received various rolled eyes and some head shaking. How about then:
Self-respect is the belief in our own integrity.
I believe the foundation for that principle is constructed when we
live by the Golden Rule. If we expect to receive respect from
others, we must give others respect. And we must respect ourselves.
It's a three-way street. And we all are driving our own bus down
the road of ethical reciprocity. Speaking of which, the only person
who can take self-respect away from you is you. Be it through
intentional acts or selfish behavior. We control our own character
destiny. The bottom-line is that definitions vary and change, but
self-respect defines our character. And our character determines if
we act in a moral and ethical manner, commonly known as: how we
treat others. There are no 100 percent guarantees when it comes to
personal safety, but my 20 years of cop and corrections work have
shown me that those guideposts have a significant impact on whether
or not we are the one "chosen" to be a punching bag for someone's
pent up frustration.
My self-esteem, in addition to my body, has been beat up many times
over the years in combative training. When self-respect took charge
and my self-esteem stayed balanced, I kept coming back for more.
And while I don't think I will ever be able to mimic my martial
arts instructors' effortless polished techniques, I don't need to.
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I'm comfortable
being the best I can be. On the days something clicks and I am able
to act versus think and then react, I get a brief sense of
euphoria. But I stay grounded knowing my instructors and training
partners will soon be pushing me onward and upward to another
plateau. One that will cause me to examine and question myself
anew. And that is ok. It does not mean that I have less worth. It
does not mean I should have less confidence. If anything, I know
now that truly understanding myself is the best preparation for if
that day comes when my safety is on the line in a real world test.
Thanks for listening. Stay Safe!
Daniel T. Fell is the director of the Eighth Judicial District
Department of Correctional Services. He has trained, albeit
sometimes briefly, in a variety of martial arts for many years. For
the last six years he has steadfastly trained in the Shakeh Martial
Arts System and is ranked as a 1st degree black belt under Dr.
Randy Berenger (10th degree red/white belt). Fell holds additional
certifications as an Iowa Law Enforcement Academy defensive tactics
instructor, a Pressure Point Compliance Techniques defensive
tactics instructor, and as a personal safety instructor trainer for
the Iowa Department of Corrections. This is his final installment
of a series of articles discussing facets of personal safety.
Take care.
Brian Willis
www.winningmindtraining.com
www.warriorspiritbooks.com